What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 28.06.2025 11:03
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
My family never makes their pension either.
I was scared of men, in general
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I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Especially a lifetime of it.
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And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Why do I sweat so much after applying moisture or sun screen on my face? I have normal skin.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
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His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I was very sick at this time too.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
My life is so biszare .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
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I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I think the readers, may guess!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I was seconnd youngest,
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
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Ive learnt so much.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
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My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
When she asked me how she looked .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Why would Hugh Grant cheat on Elizabeth Hurley?
And i lived it daily.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Who then, do I blame.?
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
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Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
She found it foreign!.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
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I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
But it wasn’t much.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I will be 64.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Would this be the day?
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
But ive been too sick for many years..
So whats the point in blame.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
This is soul school!.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
One cannot live in the past .
I write beautiful poetry .
I have no regrets .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
What did i know ?
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
We were not on the streets..
Im still living with it.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
She wouldn,t have been !
This is how, and why children get BPD.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
He knew the spot.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Was to survive, this bastard.
As i do to all so called friends.?
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
(And it was in our own minds.)
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I don,t even have a pension.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Comes on , in middle age.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I waited trembling.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But, we were locked up after school.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
We all went to grammer schools
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I never cut or harmed myself..
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
It was going to be , some day.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I was 9 years of age.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
She loved him until the end.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
All the time i was locked up.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
She married twice! .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I said to her
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Put me off passion for life!!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
So, i spoilt her more .
She was in good health!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
He resisted the act ,that day.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
My mum and dad in the seventies!